Confessions
by C. E. Gray
Summary: Note this is NOT necessarily part of my "post-episode" series (yet), though it does take place after the summer finale of season 2 (ep 2x10). Formatting errors have been fixed!


**Disclaimer** : None of the characters are mine, and no infringement, copyright or otherwise, is intended.

 **Spoilers** : Takes place after the end of the second season summer finale, Remember Me.

 **Note** : This is not currently in the "post-episode" series I am attempting to write, as chronologically, I'm still on season one. However, it may fit in just nicely, in which case I'll just wrap it into the story line.

Jane huffed a sigh as she sank onto her couch. The gash on her neck was healing and it was hard not to scratch at it, but every time she forgot, the flash of pain would remind her to leave it alone. She couldn't wait until next week when she got the stitches out.

Neither could she wait to be back at work. "Desk duty," she spat, rummaging around a bag of chips to find a whole piece. "One week of con leave and then two more weeks of desk duty until I see the psych. Really?" She crunched on the chip, swallowed, then sniffed and grimaced as the movement stretched the scab on her forehead. At least it hadn't needed stitches.

Her phone buzzed. She didn't have to check to know it was a text from Maura. The woman had been trying to reach her all day. It had been four days since Hoyt's death. The first three days, after Jane's surprise birthday party, the two women had been in non-stop communication. Then, last night, Maura had texted her with: _Perhaps I should stop by?_ and Jane hadn't responded.

She hadn't responded to any messages since, either. Nor had she answered the phone the three times Maura had attempted to call.

The detective had no desire to see the medical examiner.

Well, okay, that wasn't exactly true. She had every desire to see her friend, spend time with her, knowing that just being in Maura's presence somehow made everything better. But she couldn't bear to face her. Seeing the bandage on the blonde's neck was too much. Too much of a blunt reminder about how Jane had failed to protect her.

How Jane had almost lost her.

Tears formed and she blinked them back. Crying only pulled on tissue that was trying to heal and made it hurt worse. She'd learned that early on.

The birthday party had actually been too much. The presents were great and seeing her friends and family, especially after such a terrible day, was wonderful. And Maura's gift had been perfect and she'd hugged the woman close, touched beyond words for all the trouble Maura had gone through for her gift. Racing shoes and lessons, really? Did the blonde know her or what?

Then the party had died down, and people slowly filtered out, seeing that Jane was tired. Her mother spied her putting a pain pill in her mouth and then swallowing it down with some water and had started shooing everyone towards the door. Then it was her and Maura, and Jane had mentioned something about how she must be exhausted too, and should get some rest, and was she feeling okay?

Maura assured her she was fine and said good night, walking out the door, absently touching the bandage on the left side of her neck, covering a gash similar to Jane's but deeper. Jane's heart had fallen to her feet at that moment. She closed the door behind Maura and, when she was sure the woman had enough time to leave the building and knew Jo Friday was curled up in her bedroom asleep and thus nowhere around, she had screamed and kicked at the door until she was too worn out to continue.

She hadn't seen Maura since that night. She wasn't sure she'd be able to look at the woman again without the heavy hand of guilt crushing her, taunting her about how horrible she'd been in her attempts to protect the woman, how much Maura must blame her for putting her in danger and god, nearly getting her killed.

More tears, this time brushed away with an angry swipe.

Determined to find something to distract her, Jane turned the channel on the TV until she found a sports movie that was just beginning. Not as good as an actual game, but it was good enough.

She was barely into the first ten minutes when a knock at the door caused her to jump. "Jesus," she grumbled, angry at her reaction. Getting to her feet, brushing crumbs off her shirt and sweat pants, she nudged Jo Friday aside and told the small dog to hush. She glanced out the peephole in the door, then leaned her forehead against the wood. She let her left arm drop to her side, where she'd been reaching for her firearm. Just in case.

 _Goddamn it. Maura. Maybe I can just pretend I'm asleep._

A few seconds later, Maura withdrew something from her purse, and Jane cursed again. Of course, the woman had a key. Flipping the lock herself before Maura could insert the key, Jane pulled open the door and tried to look sleepy.

"Are you okay?"

Jane blinked. "Yeah. I'm fine." She moved back to allow the woman to enter, having no choice when the doctor brushed past her and patted Jo Friday, the dog bouncing happily around her feet, squirming and wriggling on her back for a belly rub. Maura obliged her for a few moments, then turned to face Jane.

"You weren't answering your phone. I was worried. Have you not been getting my messages?"

A sigh. "No, I got them."

"Oh." Maura paused, thinking. "Oh. You were ignoring me, then. I'm sorry. I'll go."

Jane felt something deep within her break at the hurt in Maura's voice. "Don't go." She grabbed Maura's arm and held her in place as she closed the door. "I'm sorry."

"Jane, if you don't want me here..."

"But, I do." Jane cleared her throat and removed her hand from her friend's arm. "I just... I'm really bad at this, Maura."

The blonde tilted her head, adorably. "At what?"

"This... talking... stuff."

 _Ah_. The lightbulb came on over Maura's head. Figuratively, of course. _Jane only has trouble talking when it has to do with emotions. I should let her sort this one out, I think. No pressure._ "What do you want to talk about?" Maura moved to the couch, sitting on the end without the crumbs, leaving Jane to brush off the mess and sink down on her own side.

Jane fidgeted, rubbing her palms, feeling the taut scar tissue under her fingers, cursing the man who had left his mark on her. She'd never truly be free of him. Even dead... now she had three scars from the bastard.

And Maura had one, too.

Jane swallowed and looked down, avoiding the hazel eyes before her. "I'm sorry, Maura."

The doctor forced herself to remain silent. She was going to do her best to keep quiet and let Jane talk out whatever she needed to, without interruption. But it wasn't easy.

"I'm sorry you got hurt. I shouldn't have taken you with me. I should have done a damned better job of protecting you. I'm sorry, Maur. I didn't keep you safe. You... I almost..." _I almost lost you._ "I'm sorry I was ignoring you before. I just didn't know... I didn't want..." Jane sighed, frustrated with her inability to speak. "I didn't..."

On that third stumble, Maura couldn't help herself. She reached out and grasped Jane's hands in her own, stopping the furious repetition, intertwining their fingers. She gently rubbed the back of Jane's hands with her thumbs. "You didn't what?"

"I didn't want to see that you hated me," Jane said at last, pouring the sentence out as though it were a single word.

"Jane!" Jane flinched at the exclamation and Maura softened her voice. "Why do you think I would hate you?"

Jane tried to pull back, but Maura's grip on her hands was firm. Dark, bleak eyes slowly raised and met the blonde's concerned gaze. "I couldn't protect you. You could have died."

"Jane, you saved my life. You saved both of us."

The detective shook her head. "No. I killed Hoyt, but Mason was still alive. If Korsak hadn't shot him..." She couldn't stop the shiver that coursed through her body at that thought.

Maura had enough. Tugging once, she pulled Jane closer, putting the woman's arms around her waist even as she wrapped her arms around Jane's shoulders. To her surprise, the detective didn't offer any resistance. She just buried her head into Maura's shoulder and squeezed her tightly. Maura held her close. She wouldn't have heard the whispered words otherwise.

"I almost lost you. God, Maura, I..." Another shiver. "I don't know what I would've done." The tears broke through now, and Maura rubbed her back as the woman attempted to crawl even closer against her. "Don't leave me."

Maura felt her throat constrict as she swallowed. The raw emotion in Jane's voice tore at her. "I'm here, Jane," she assured her, placing a kiss on top of her head. "I'm not going anywhere and I certainly don't hate you. I could never hate you."

Jane pulled back slightly and wiped at her eyes. Instead of putting her arm around Maura again, she settled for placing left hand on the woman's knee. The heat of Maura's skin, bared by the movement of her skirt as she sat, proved to Jane that the woman was real. And alive. It might not be appropriate, but she didn't give a damn.

"Promise?" _Pathetic, much?_ Jane winced at the word falling from her mouth.

A soft, well-manicured hand found the one Jane had placed on Maura's knee and covered it, holding it in place, even squeezing it once. "Oh, Jane. I promise."

Jane blinked, eyes clearing as she felt slightly better. She frowned when she got a good look at Maura's outfit. "Damn, Maura, I messed up your blouse." The woman was wearing a gold-toned skirt with a matching blouse, though no jacket this time. Jane suspected the jacket might put too much pressure against her injuries just yet.

Maura didn't even glance at the wet stain on her shoulder. "It washes."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "You put this outfit in the washing machine?"

"Ah, well... no. It's dry clean only."

"Thought so," came the snorted reply.

Dark eyes traveled upwards and spied the bandage over Maura's neck. Jane slowly reached up to trace it with her hand, the one Maura wasn't still holding on to. Maura swallowed, but didn't pull away. The detective then moved her hand to Maura's right shoulder, moving the blouse aside enough to see the angry red flesh, healing from the taser injury but still evident.

"I'm sorry."

"You didn't do this."

"I might as well have."

Jane tried to look away again but Maura caught her chin and held it. "Stop it, Jane." The woman blinked at the tone. "What happened is not your fault. We both survived, thanks to you.

"And you know, I was the one who said I was going with you. You didn't ask. I was not going to let you walk in and face Hoyt alone. Surely you know that?" She released the firm chin and gently touched the injury to Jane's forehead, once, before reaching down and removing the strong hand from her knee. Turning the woman's hand palm up, Maura gently traced the scar tissue in the center, feeling the woman flinch and instinctively close her hand into a fist. Maura pulled her hand flat and then looked up into the tumultuous eyes of her friend.

"Do you know what these scars tell me, Jane?"

Jane shook her head, uncertain of where this was going.

"Besides the medical aspect, that you were injured and by what instrument, approximately how long ago, they tell me that your injuries have healed."

"That I was a victim," Jane spat.

"You were a victim," Maura acknowledged, "but now you're a survivor." Jane's head drew back slightly, clearly surprised by the statement. "Yes, you were injured. But you survived. You've survived being wounded multiple times," she said, eyes going to Jane's right side, where she knew the scar from her self-inflicted gunshot wound would still be visible. Would always be visible, barring plastic surgery. "That's the most important thing."

Jane absorbed that. She supposed that was true. That didn't mean she shouldn't have done more to protect Maura, but they were both alive. And safe, now. And that was good.

Maura let her have a few quiet minutes to herself and then squeezed Jane's fingers to have her attention once more. The woman's dark eyes appeared much clearer now and the tears had stopped. Maura was pleased.

"I was scared as well, Jane." Jane frowned. Wait, was Maura tearing up now? Crap. Not good _._ "When Hoyt grabbed you... and Mason held me back... I couldn't help you." _I couldn't get to you, Jane. I couldn't get Hoyt's hands off of you._ "I couldn't stop him from hurting you."

"But, that's not your job."

Maura's eyes flashed dangerously. "Don't you _dare_ tell me it isn't my job to protect you, Jane Rizzoli." Jane blinked rapidly. "You're my best friend." _And more, if I'm being honest, but lying by omission isn't quite the same thing, is it?_ "I'm not going to just stand by and see you get hurt. Not if I can help it."

"You couldn't," Jane told her, "you couldn't help it. It wasn't your fault."

Tears spilled over and Maura clutched at Jane's arm as the memories assaulted her, images and sounds of Jane being terrified, hurt, tortured. "I almost lost you."

 _Tears. Tears falling now. Shit. Damn it, Maura, I hate it when you cry. And I never know what to do to make you feel better._ "Hey, come on, Maura, it's okay. I'm a survivor, remember?" That only seemed to make her cry harder. "Jesus. Don't … here, come here." She opened her arms, allowing Maura to switch their positions and move closer to Jane, shifting until the blonde was practically in Jane's lap. She fought down the hormones that raged at that realization, chastising them that now was not the time. "I've got you," Jane promised softly, wrapping strong arms around her friend. "I'm here, Maur. I'm here and I gotcha."

The doctor simply reveled in the feeling of Jane's arms around her, the sound of a strong, if fast, heartbeat under her ear, the feeling of warm breath against her hair. She was alive. Whole, alive, safe. Without thinking, Maura tugged at the back of the long t-shirt until Jane shifted to allow her to pull it free, slipping her hand under the material and placing her palm against the woman's well-muscled back, assuring herself of every breath.

Jane swallowed at the contact but did nothing to change it. It was nice to have the medical examiner in her arms, she decided. Very nice. And to feel the woman's hand against her skin was better still. All this reassuring each other they were all right was a good thing in her book. This was much closer than she could be otherwise, at least without raising suspicions.

 _Hm. Her shampoo smells really good_ , Jane realized, taking a deep breath. _Probably costs more than my rent, but it smells nice._

"Jane," murmured Maura from Jane's shoulder, "I love you."

Maura heard the woman's heartbeat increase. "I love you too, Maura," she replied, no hint of hesitation, certain the blonde only meant it in a platonic way, not elaborating that Jane meant it as more than that. The detective rubbed her back gently. They'd talked about enough tonight, Jane wasn't about to add her feelings for Maura into all of that.

The doctor found she was irritated at Jane's assumption. Though she wasn't sure what the outcome would be, and her regular social-awkwardness was rearing its ugly head, she couldn't just let it go. They'd come too close, too many times, for Maura to just let it go. As she lay against Jane, listening to her heartbeat, her breathing, the rumbles of her stomach, all the involuntary biological factors indicating she was alive, Maura knew she was not going to leave the apartment without telling Jane how she felt. Whether or not Jane felt the same way didn't matter, though she had hopes, she couldn't deny that; what mattered was letting her know, before she lost the chance.

And this was her chance.

"No, Jane," Maura said, pushing off Jane and into a proper sitting position on the couch beside her. "I don't think you understand."

Jane paused. "What don't I understand?"

"I love you."

"I love -"

"I'm in love with you."

"... you're in love with me?" Jane was absolutely positive she was hallucinating. Or had fallen asleep on her couch and was dreaming. Or maybe she was dreaming about hallucinating. Regardless, there's no way this was happening. Doctor Isles, admitting her love for Detective Rizzoli? No way. The detective knew she simply wasn't that lucky.

Maura nodded, apparently playing along with Jane's hallucination. "You don't have to reciprocate," she assured the detective, "that's okay. But I wanted to tell you. Before... before I couldn't." Jane opened her mouth to reply, but Maura kept speaking. Clearly, this was real. Jane felt conscious of the breath in her lungs as she exhaled shakily. "I don't want this to change our friendship, however. I don't have very many friends, you may have noticed, and our friendship means so much to me. I don't want to jeopardize that."

"You're not jeopardizing -"

"I'm not trying to stereotype you," Maura continued, "just because you're a female detective in a male-dominated profession, or that you're knowledgeable about and participate in several sports, or generally choose to avoid dresses, none of that means you're a lesbian. I don't want you to think I'm making assumptions. Though, according to the Kinsey scale..."

Jane felt her mind scramble to keep up.

"Maura -" The blonde cut her off again and was about to continue with her rambling, which Jane thought was cute once she realized Maura was falling into the habit of Google-talk out of nervousness, but Jane reached up and covered Maura's mouth with her hand. "Maura, stop for a second."

Hazel eyes blinked at her, opening wide.

"I've never considered myself to be gay."

Maura's eyes dropped even though she tried not to show it and Jane's heart broke. "Hang on, I'm not finished yet." Maura didn't look at her again. Jane paused, hesitant. _Aw hell, if she started it, she can't be upset when I say the same thing._ "I'm in love with you, too."

Mumbling around Jane's hand, Maura said, her brow showing confusion, "But you said you weren't..."

"I said I've never considered that I was," Jane replied. "All I know is that I love you. You, Maura Isles. If that means I'm gay, fine. Most people think I am anyway. I don't care, Maur." Maura was crying again. Jane panicked. "Damn. What'd I say? I'm sorry. Nothing I say comes out right around you.

"Look." A deep breath. "I love you. I'm in love with you. You and your turtle, because I know it's a 'love me, love my turtle' sort of thing with you." Eyes widened and Jane could feel Maura take a breath to correct her terminology, but Jane raised an eyebrow and tapped a finger, reminding the medical examiner that she was still unable to speak. "And yeah, I know he's a tortoise." She felt Maura smile against her palm. "I love how you ramble, how you're so damned good at your job, how you smile and suddenly nothing else is important. I love you and all your gorgeous, braniac ways. To hell with what anyone else says. I came too close to losing you to care about what it means. I just know that it's true.

"Okay now?" Maura nodded, so Jane removed her hand to let the woman speak. Except she didn't, not right away. She just sat, staring at the woman across from her, moving occasionally to rub away drying tears. Jane squirmed. "What? Did I grow a second head or something?"

"Are you attracted to me?"

Jane swallowed. "Yes." _I have eyes, don't I? Jesus, Maura, of course I'm attracted to you._

"Why?" _This is called 'fishing for compliments', Maura Isles, and you know it. Stop this._ But she couldn't. She had to know if the detective was genuine, or if perhaps she was just returning the sentiment Maura had initiated. Maybe she was simply being polite.

"Really? What... well... I mean... goddamn it, Maura, look at you," Jane sputtered. "You're beautiful. You're smart. You have a good sense of humor and you're funny, if anyone takes the time to know you. In just a few years, you got closer to me than anyone besides my family ever has. That right there told me you were special," _when I stopped to listen to that voice, yeah, it was screaming at me._ "You've forgotten more about the Boston socialites and fancy food with names I can't pronounce than I'll ever know, but you still want to work as a medical examiner and hang out in the slums with us cops. That's pretty damned important too." _At least it is to me._

"And the money?"

Jane tilted her head, frowning slightly. "You're rich as hell," she stated. "You're always dressed up nice and you look wonderful. That doesn't mean you're a snob. And hey," Jane continued, getting a bit angry as she thought where this might be going, "you started this talk tonight. I didn't bring it up. Don't you accuse me of gold-digging."

"Oh, no, no I wasn't, Jane, I'm sorry." Maura reached out for her hand again, pleased when the other woman didn't hesitate. "I just wanted to know if it would bother you. I didn't mean to imply that you were only saying these things to get close to me, for the money."

A shrug. "You deserve nice things, Maura. I can't buy them for you, but at least you can still have them." _Best I can do is some good chocolate and maybe a bottle of wine that costs more than twenty bucks._ "If your money bothered me, we wouldn't have been best friends these past few years."

Maura let out a slow breath. _Good. Okay, good._ "You're right, of course. I'm sorry. There have been... too many times when someone I thought was interested in me was only interested in my money, or was only being polite, and I... I really didn't want to make that mistake with you."

Jane nodded, reminding herself that this wasn't an accusation and not to get angry. She knew her friend wasn't the most skilled at reading people and understood how that might have lead to some awkward relationships. "So... now what?"

"You look tired," Maura observed, noting the bags under Jane's eyes. "Are you sleeping?"

"Sure."

"Jane."

"Yeah, I'm sleeping. Just not much, okay?" _And not well._

Maura recalled the previous times Hoyt had made his presence known. "Are you experiencing nightmares?"

Jane pulled her hand back to rub at the scars once more. "Maybe." It was more than a habit, Maura realized, it was memory. Jane's nightmares likely contained flashbacks of when Hoyt had inflicted those injuries. Which meant whenever she traced them, even absently, some part of her was remembering the terror, the pain, the helplessness. Maura made a decision, right then, to interrupt that action whenever she could, to bring Jane wholly back to the present and remind her she was safe.

 _Starting now._ Maura took both of Jane's hands in hers, again, but this time brought them to her lips, gently kissing the center of each palm, where the tough scar tissue had formed. The doctor in her noted that some of the pain might be more than just phantom from memories, and reminded herself to talk to Jane about massaging and stretching her hands to loosen the knotted collagen beneath the skin.

Jane froze. She wasn't expecting that. The feel of Maura's lips on her skin, her warm breath across her fingers, sent a charge from her fingertips down to her toes. She inhaled sharply when Maura kissed her palms again. Taking advantage of the position, the detective followed the curve of strong cheekbones and a delicate jawline with her long fingers. When Maura closed her eyes, absorbing the feeling, Jane thought she looked absolutely beautiful.

The detective wondered if leaning forward to kiss the woman would be too fast. Then she remembered that Maura had been the first to make the revelation and probably wouldn't, at the very least, be terribly offended if the woman chanced a kiss. Continuing to trace the delicate features of the woman before her, Jane inched closer and pressed her lips against Maura's. She had planned to keep it soft and gentle but she lost track of everything else around her the moment she felt the doctor's lips against hers.

When Maura didn't pull away, didn't push Jane away, and in fact kissed her back, any attempts at control were a wasted effort. Jane whimpered in spite of herself and pressed forward, shifting the doctor back against the sofa cushions as Jane crawled over her, kissing her in what she acknowledged was a desperate manner but was powerless to stop.

Maura released Jane's hands to tangle her own in the woman's long dark hair, encouraging her closeness and repeated fierce kisses. She squirmed delightedly when Jane's left hand found its way under her blouse and caressed her side, tracing the edge of her bra and brushing long fingers across one breast, causing Maura to break the kiss with a gasp and arch into the touch.

Jane groaned at the reaction and moved her kisses to Maura's exposed throat. "Jesus, how can you smell so good?" Maura carefully turned her head to the left and Jane obeyed, kissing the side of her neck before nibbling at her right earlobe. Jane shifted her weight to her knees and ran her right hand along Maura's calf, sculpted from years of high heels and yoga and Zumba, continuing upwards past her knee to her thigh, pausing when she reached the edge of the expensive skirt.

Hazel eyes turned to her when she stopped. "Jane, what's wrong?" Maura asked, her own hands still restlessly traveling across Jane's back.

"We're on my couch."

Maura blinked. "Yes."

"And..." _I'm mauling you like a hormone-riddled teenager. Sweet Jesus._ "And you deserve better than my sofa."

"Your bed, then?"

Jane grinned at the woman's forwardness. "That sounds good," she agreed, helping Maura to her feet, "but, Maura... I mean, I can't do this casually." Jane knew that sometimes Maura's feelings on sex ran along the lines of 'do it because it feels good and releases immune-goblins A, B, and C' or whatever, but Jane couldn't let things continue if that's how Maura was thinking of their current situation. Ian's visit just a few months ago resounded in her mind and if an old flame of Maura's came up again, she knew herself well enough to realize that she wouldn't be able to handle that.

Maura met her gaze. "There is nothing casual about this, Jane. Not to me." The blonde knew better than to state she had no desire to be an experiment - the look in Jane's eyes and the sound of her voice as she stumbled around her feelings had told Maura all she needed. There was no guarantee, of course, and the knots in her stomach testified to her nervousness, but she knew, at least for now, neither of them would take this next step lightly.

She slipped her arms around Jane's waist and just enjoyed the woman's embrace as they stood in the living room. "Tell me this won't change our friendship."

Jane squeezed her gently. "It already has. But not in a bad way."

The blonde paused when she felt Jane sway slightly on her feet. The woman was exhausted. She hadn't been sleeping well the past week and now they'd had an emotionally laden discussion at ten-thirty at night. No wonder the detective was having trouble staying awake.

"Come on, Jane. Let's go to bed." Jane smiled and tried to let her hands roam openly, but Maura caught them. "To sleep."

Jane blinked. "Maura, did I do some -"

Maura cut her off with a kiss. "You've done nothing wrong, Jane. But you are tired and you need to sleep." The detective looked positively crestfallen as she pouted. Maura smiled at her, thinking it was adorable, pleased she could think such things about the woman before her now, without the usual guilty feeling following. "Come on. Let's get some rest."

Jane sighed and allowed Maura to lead her down the hall to her bedroom. "Wait, you're still on con leave for a few days, right?" A nod. Jane grinned and wrapped her arms around the woman as she walked behind her, nuzzling perfect hair and a sensitive ear. "So... after we sleep?"

A delighted laugh that melted Jane's heart further. "Yes, after we sleep."

"Yes!"

Jane collapsed on the bed, content to wear her sweats and shirt to sleep in, offering Maura anything from her closet if she wanted to change. Deciding she'd be more comfortable out of her dress clothes, Maura selected a long t-shirt and figured that would be good enough. When she emerged from the bathroom, having changed clothes, and Jane realized she was wearing one of her old Boston P.D. shirts... if she wasn't in love before, there was no doubt now.

Not that there had really been a question before, she acknowledged silently. She just never dreamed Maura would find out about it, much less reciprocate. The detective realized her attraction to the good doctor early in their relationship, their chemistry was undeniable even as close friends, and had grudgingly admitted her attraction was more than friendly. That had initially brought about questions of her own sexuality, but she'd pushed them aside, figuring it would never come to light and therefore wouldn't matter, and a few introspective weeks later, decided she didn't care. She'd worked hard in her career, becoming a solid detective, regardless of her sex, and who her heart fell for wouldn't take any of that away from her.

Maura sat gingerly on the bed, opposite of Jane. The long t-shirt was down to her knees, but shifted up to her thighs when she sat, enough for Jane to know she had nothing on underneath besides her underwear. Jane cleared her throat and shifted her gaze to Maura's hazel eyes.

"You okay?"

Maura nodded.

Jane grinned. "Are we having a sleepover or is this your way of telling me you're attracted to me?"

Maura blinked, then chuckled as she recognized the statement as an echo of what Jane had said nearly two years earlier, when Hoyt was again wreaking havoc on Jane's ability to sleep.

When the woman was still silent, Jane patted the pillow beside her head. "Come on, Maura. You need some sleep, too."

Maura nodded in agreement, and laid down, stretching out beside the detective, careful to keep on her own side. Her thoughts refused to settle. She knew they would only sleep tonight, both of them were too tired, truthfully, to do any more than that. Even so, sex was the least intimidating aspect of relationships for her, and was often why she preferred sex on its own, without a complicated social relationship attached.

Sex was scientific. Specific actions caused specific reactions. Every person was different in their likes and dislikes, but certain areas were almost guaranteed to be more sensitive than others, and concentration on those areas proved successful. Chemicals released during intercourse were healthy, promoting both physical and mental well-being. Communication during sex was good, but not always necessary, and when it was, it was direct. There was little room for misunderstandings in simple phrases and voiced desires.

The fact that Jane was another woman didn't phase her - she'd had sex with women before, mostly during college.

What was causing her internal turmoil was the fact that sex with Jane would have complications. A relationship was already a given, after tonight, which was enough to unsettle her. A physical, intimate aspect, no matter how scientifically successful, would only introduce more variables.

More ways for Maura to make a mistake. She'd become much more comfortable with Jane and the rest of the team at Boston P.D. over the previous two years, and liked to believe that most of the team had also adjusted to her, but she still regularly said something that caused a round of laughter. A faux pas. There were so many parts of their lives, and Jane's in particular, references she didn't catch, that led to the awkwardness.

Jane moved a few inches and placed her hand on Maura's arm, startling the woman from her thoughts. "What's wrong?"

"Just thinking." Maura smiled softly. "Nothing, really."

The detective raised an eyebrow. Maura had been deep in thought, which meant whatever was going through her head was more than just 'nothing', but Jane let it go for the moment. The woman was entitled to her privacy, after all.

 _Confessing you love her does not give you the right to her every thought, Jane,_ she scolded.

"Are you comfortable?" Jane asked, not wanting to pull Maura close and aggravate the burn to her shoulder.

"I'm fine. Do you need me to check your neck injury?"

Jane waved her off. "Nah, it's fine. Just itchy."

"You shouldn't scratch," Maura stated instantly, "or you'll affect the healing process and leave more of a scar."

Jane simply nodded. She knew that. And she knew Maura would tell her that. But it was still nice, something expected and familiar. Reaching out with her right hand, Jane turned off the bedroom light. She wouldn't admit it, but the light was starting to make her head ache.

Maura smiled in the dark when Jane intertwined their fingers. She squeezed gently in response, shifting closer until their shoulders were touching, smiling again when Jane nudged her ankle, yelping in surprise when the detective flexed her toes against the underside of her foot, tickling her.

"Jane!"

Jane just grinned, pleased that Maura seemed to have relaxed after whatever heavy thoughts had been plaguing her. There was plenty they still needed to talk about, and they would. But not tonight. "Good night, Maura. I... love you."

Maura couldn't have stopped the smile if she'd tried. "Good night, Jane. I love you, too."

The detective drifted off quickly, which surprised Maura, remembering how much Jane had tried to stay awake when the nightmares came knocking. Maura stayed up for a while longer, listening to Jo Friday huff and whine softly as she slept on the floor at the foot of the bed, hearing Jane's deep breathing just inches from her right ear, feeling the small twitches of Jane's fingers against her palm as she dreamed.

Taking a deep breath, the smile returned to Maura's face as she caught Jane's smell from her borrowed shirt. It was clean, but even laundered it retained the strong scent of the detective, which somehow managed to be both comforting and arousing at the same time. Maura wondered what that might mean for the connection between her olfactory senses and her libido. Without further research, all she knew for sure was that it meant an increasing attraction the more time she spent with Jane.

Which was good. Very good.

Maura sighed, happy at the feeling of her fingers intertwined with Jane's. It was more than she had hoped for, in all honesty. In all the times she had imagined telling Jane how she felt, which weren't many, she never thought the detective would reciprocate. She'd thought Jane would kindly acknowledge Maura's love for her but then explain that she didn't feel the same. Those were the best responses. The worst... well, in the darkest depths of Maura's mind she worried that Jane would reject every word she'd said and shut her out of her life. The chance of losing the detective's friendship was more than enough to make the medical examiner keep quiet.

Until this last run in with Hoyt. Maura pulled the covers up tighter, involuntarily shivering from a cold she knew was purely psychological. It was in Hoyt's profile to murder couples - one partner first, while the other watched, and then killing the second. That's what he did and that's how he trained his apprentices. Torture and cruelty were his motives.

And he'd had his hands on Jane. He'd held a scalpel to her neck and drawn blood. He'd terrorized her. The memories might fade, but Maura knew there would never be a time she'd completely forget the fear in Jane's voice or the wide-eyed panic in her eyes. That fear in her voice had turned to desperation when Mason approached Maura with the taser. Wrists bound together, the blonde knew there was no way she could attempt to escape, and Hoyt's grip on Jane ensured her cooperation. She wouldn't jeopardize the woman's life by trying anything rash.

Maura flinched, remembering the jolt of pain as the taser contacted her flesh, pressing into her shoulder and sending fifty thousand volts at 2.1 milliamperes through her body. She hadn't quite blacked out but she was unable to make sense of the words Jane was shouting and all she could do was cry. The sound of gunfire was loud enough to penetrate the haze in her mind but she had trouble moving and the only thing she wanted was to sit up and look for Jane.

In the horrifying moments between the gunfire and when Detective Frost was at her side, helping her sit up and allowing her to see that Jane was safe with Detective Korsak, Maura felt sure that her heart would stop. Which didn't make any sense, because not only was that not a likely response to shock, but she knew very well that her heart was in fact beating rapidly. But the not knowing. Oh, not knowing the extent of what Hoyt had done to Jane or if she'd been shot, that was a level of fear Maura hadn't known was possible.

Taking a slow breath, Maura opened her eyes. Her vision had adjusted to the minimal light and she could see the outline of Jo Friday sleeping by the bedroom door and just turning her head, she watched the woman beside her take even breaths. The blonde took a solid five minutes just to watch Jane sleep, watch her breathe, mouth open slightly as she slept. Knowing the woman was rather deeply asleep, Maura reached out and rested the hand that wasn't still in Jane's on her chest, just over her heart, half-smiling as she felt the strong beat beneath her palm.

It was ridiculous, really, how calming that was. Of course Jane was alive, she was right next to her. There was no scientific doubt, no chance that she could be wrong. But in this dark, with the heavy thoughts and memories plaguing her mind, Maura felt she needed this contact. She needed to feel the woman's heartbeat. That was where she kept her hand, gently, as her thoughts continued.

Even when Jane had shot herself two years prior, a recollection that to this day made the blonde short of breath, Maura had been right there. She'd been out the door in time to see Jane pull the trigger, sending the bullet through her own body and into the assailant's. She was the first on the scene, medical training kicking in by instinct since everything else was failing her, she was the first to apply pressure and attempt to stop the bleeding. But she was there, she had known what was happening and what to do.

When she'd been in that prison medical room, she'd had no way to see what was going on, no way to know if Jane or Hoyt or Mason had the upper hand. And that had terrified her.

Pure fear, in a manner she'd never experienced. When she finally had a chance to process everything that night, she'd acknowledged that losing Jane wasn't something she was prepared to deal with. She also realized that she didn't want to take another chance of Jane dying - there was always a lump surrounding that word, even in her mind - without knowing how she felt. She'd known that her own feelings for the detective went well beyond friendship for well over a year, but she had never allowed the realization to become so prominent in her mind, lest she say or do something to make Jane uncomfortable.

She squeezed Jane's hand gently, feeling the small muscle movements that indicated the woman was in a heavy sleep. The last thing she wanted to do was misstep and make things awkward between them, especially inadvertently, especially with something like a declaration of love which was relatively easily kept to one's self.

But not after Hoyt. Maura had promised herself that night - even if it meant the worst, losing that comfort level and closeness with Jane, even - another lump here - even if it meant losing her friendship, hopefully that would only be temporarily but one could never be sure, but even if it meant all of the terrible possibilities came true, Maura would tell Jane she loved her. Was in love with her. She didn't want Jane to die without knowing she was loved and she couldn't take it if she'd never told her. Even if it wasn't returned, Jane deserved to know.

Jane's twitching fingers became more urgent, more forceful. Maura winced when the woman's grip tightened considerably. She rubbed Jane's arm, trying to calm the detective enough to release her hold, having no success. She then moved to running her fingers through the detective's hair, trying to soothe her in that manner.

"Jane, it's all right. Wake up."

Dark hair began to dampen as sweat appeared along Jane's forehead. Maura frowned at the indication of stress. She tried again to wake the woman.

Whether Maura managed to wake her or she woke on her own, the doctor wasn't sure, but Jane sat straight up in bed, breathing hard, hand still gripping Maura's, a shout on her lips even as she struggled instinctively to free herself from the covers and reach for her weapon.

"Jane." Maura spoke quietly, not wanting to startle the woman. "Jane, look at me."

Eyes wide, panic visible even in the darkened room, Jane glanced around, finally noticing Maura and fixating on her as though the doctor was saving her from drowning. "Maura," she rasped, releasing the woman's hand to instead cup her face, stroking her cheek gently. "You're okay?" She brought up her other hand, threading her fingers through golden hair.

"I'm okay, Jane."

Jane sunk forward until her head was resting against Maura's shoulder, taking a shaky breath, soaking up the feeling of Maura's hands on her back. She whimpered and clutched the blonde closer. "I'm sorry I woke you," Jane murmured, making no effort to move.

Maura held her tightly, not giving her an option. "You didn't," she assured the detective. "Do you want to talk about it?" An emphatic and immediate shake of the head. "Okay. That's all right." Pressing her cheek against Jane's, Maura kissed the strong jaw. "Just know that you're safe. We're both safe."

Jo Friday leapt on the bed, taking two tries to make it successfully, and wriggled her way between the two women, clamoring for attention, nudging and licking Maura's hand. Jane frowned and snapped her fingers, trying to draw the dog away, but the terrier refused to be distracted. She squirmed and balanced until she was licking Jane's cheek.

"Ugh, Jo Friday, stop it," came the complaint.

"She's concerned," Maura told her, gently patting the dog, who was torn between receiving attention and caring for her mistress. Ultimately, she decided she could do both, and curled up on Jane's lap as Maura scratched behind her ears.

"Nah, she just wants you to pet her."

"Dogs do become concerned, Jane, when..."

Jane chuckled. "Trust me, Maura. She's used to this routine by now. If I'm having a nightmare, she'll jump on the bed and whine in my ear until I wake up." _Then she burrows under the covers with me, letting me go back to sleep with one hand on her side, so I can feel her breathing. She helps ground me somehow. So I know she does care, but..._ "She only rolls around and licks my hands or face when she wants attention."

Maura rubbed the dog's back, Jo Friday stretching and reveling in the love. "You have nightmares that often, then?"

 _Damn it._ "Sometimes." Jane kept her head against Maura's shoulder, so she wouldn't have to look in the woman's eyes.

Maura kept quiet, keeping her arms around the woman. She knew a visit to a psychiatrist, beyond that of the department mandated visit, would probably be beneficial but she'd never get Jane to agree. She placed a kiss against Jane's ear. "Do you think you can get back to sleep?"

Jane shrugged and nuzzled Maura's neck.

"Come on." Maura encouraged Jane to lie down once more, keeping a hold on the woman's hand as they had done before.

Jane sighed and shifted, trying to relax so she could sleep, but closing her eyes didn't seem to be a good idea. The images she'd just left in the previous dream were waiting for her there, she knew. As always.

A few minutes passed in this fashion, until Maura squeezed Jane's hand twice to get her attention.

"Hm?" the detective grunted. "Sorry, am I keeping you up? I can go sleep on the couch."

"Would you truly sleep there, Jane?"

"Um. Not really. But, come on, Maura. No reason for both of us to be up."

Maura turned her head, just able to view the woman's profile. "Would it help if I held you?"

There was no answer for a long moment. Jane cleared her throat. She took a deep breath. Then another one. On her third breath, Maura simply reached across with her free hand and grabbed a handful of Jane's shirt, tugging until the taller woman was sprawled on top of her. Moving to the natural position of her head on Maura's shoulder and right arm resting across her stomach, Jane sniffed.

 _Next time, just listen to the lady and say 'yes, thank you, it would help quite a lot if you could hold me, so I could hear your heart and have you in my arms and know even in my dreams you're okay', okay?_ "Thanks."

Maura smiled and kissed the woman's forehead. Now we can both sleep. "You're welcome. Good night, Jane."

"'Night, Maura."


End file.
